♥ Girl, Blogging ♥
Exciting Things!
7/23/26 Blog Post
7/23/26
The experience of life, that is, experiencing life, is about life and only silhouetted by death. Peppered into life, death takes from us what we had, one of the “Big Fears” that humans have. Life does that too, but in a way that is palletable and friendly, in a way that makes it seem like we could get that thing we lost back.
Humans are a bunch of excited and distressed animals, generally. We love easily when we are comfortable, and hurt easily when we are desperate. Losing things makes us feel desperate, so it's one of our Big Fears. For me, freedom makes me feel comfortable. Freedom excites me.
I see all kinds of things exciting other people. Some people like to know things, others like to have things. These people I tend to like easily! I like people who are excited by friendly, shareable and collaborative objects, art and activities.
Recently, I started juggling. I was going through some things; transitioning and rethinking my gender identity, separating from a long term monogamous relationship, moving in with my Mom. Juggling was my outlet for the physical energy that was building up, the solution for my low-dopamine environment shift, a way to meet people on the street and with similar interests. I fell in love with the art, then the people.
There's something really beautiful about dancing with someone. Moving your body together in rhythm. Syncing your physical and mental experience with another person. I think passing props with someone really hits that spot for me. It's very exciting. I like to dance.
I think we should be excited by love. I think we should chase that feeling of not chasing. Enjoy each other's company. Move slower.
Doing more has helped me. Juggling is a way to make my own fun. I want to make my own clothes. Being trans helped me make my identity. There's nothing waiting for us, only things here and now.
The experience of life, that is, experiencing life, is about life and only silhouetted by death. Peppered into life, death takes from us what we had, one of the “Big Fears” that humans have. Life does that too, but in a way that is palletable and friendly, in a way that makes it seem like we could get that thing we lost back.
Humans are a bunch of excited and distressed animals, generally. We love easily when we are comfortable, and hurt easily when we are desperate. Losing things makes us feel desperate, so it's one of our Big Fears. For me, freedom makes me feel comfortable. Freedom excites me.
I see all kinds of things exciting other people. Some people like to know things, others like to have things. These people I tend to like easily! I like people who are excited by friendly, shareable and collaborative objects, art and activities.
Recently, I started juggling. I was going through some things; transitioning and rethinking my gender identity, separating from a long term monogamous relationship, moving in with my Mom. Juggling was my outlet for the physical energy that was building up, the solution for my low-dopamine environment shift, a way to meet people on the street and with similar interests. I fell in love with the art, then the people.
There's something really beautiful about dancing with someone. Moving your body together in rhythm. Syncing your physical and mental experience with another person. I think passing props with someone really hits that spot for me. It's very exciting. I like to dance.
I think we should be excited by love. I think we should chase that feeling of not chasing. Enjoy each other's company. Move slower.
Doing more has helped me. Juggling is a way to make my own fun. I want to make my own clothes. Being trans helped me make my identity. There's nothing waiting for us, only things here and now.
Juggle Struggles
(Social Anxiety)
7/24/26 Blog Post
7/24/26
Okay. So… juggling has been going well. Almost too well.
Let me explain…
I have not gotten good enough to be even close in consistency, understanding or skill to the jugglers in my social club that have been practicing for years or decades. I have gotten better than most of the casual jugglers. They talk about me like its frustrating and impressive, just jokingly.
This is annoying and confusing because I feel like I have a lot going on and its asking me to split a personality gap. On one hand, I like to be very serious and a little nerdy (but not consumed) by my hobbies. I was the same way with super smash brothers melee. I love semi-social practice based skills. On the other hand, I do best socially in settings that are more chill and I am perceived as soft and adorable, like a cat. So do I go to my club and act serious? So, be myself, and juggle hard? Or calm down and juggle hard alone, and use club to be cool and casual and cute and part of the people?
Obviously, I should be myself.
I'll go to club and when I juggle, I'll hyperfixate. Perhaps someone can catch my attention when I'm cooling down. I should get better about my breaks.
Oh also! Its tough because I dress super femme and am also the youngest in the club by like 5 years. So, having rocketed through the beginner juggling steps and making quick progress through intermediate stuff, I want to prove myself somehow. Somehow like idk how I want to prove myself. I know i am already proven just by existing and being confident and proud of myself and also an amazing fucking juggler so far. Wish me luck, I hope I keep getting a lot better!
Okay. So… juggling has been going well. Almost too well.
Let me explain…
I have not gotten good enough to be even close in consistency, understanding or skill to the jugglers in my social club that have been practicing for years or decades. I have gotten better than most of the casual jugglers. They talk about me like its frustrating and impressive, just jokingly.
This is annoying and confusing because I feel like I have a lot going on and its asking me to split a personality gap. On one hand, I like to be very serious and a little nerdy (but not consumed) by my hobbies. I was the same way with super smash brothers melee. I love semi-social practice based skills. On the other hand, I do best socially in settings that are more chill and I am perceived as soft and adorable, like a cat. So do I go to my club and act serious? So, be myself, and juggle hard? Or calm down and juggle hard alone, and use club to be cool and casual and cute and part of the people?
Obviously, I should be myself.
I'll go to club and when I juggle, I'll hyperfixate. Perhaps someone can catch my attention when I'm cooling down. I should get better about my breaks.
Oh also! Its tough because I dress super femme and am also the youngest in the club by like 5 years. So, having rocketed through the beginner juggling steps and making quick progress through intermediate stuff, I want to prove myself somehow. Somehow like idk how I want to prove myself. I know i am already proven just by existing and being confident and proud of myself and also an amazing fucking juggler so far. Wish me luck, I hope I keep getting a lot better!
Taking Care
of Taking Care
7/25/26 Blog Post
7/25/26
Everything is awesome and so much fun!
I got to juggle with torches last night! I did not expect the physical anxiety to get to me so much. I was shaking, but recognized that feeling at that moment. Weirdly, there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. This is likely due to the audience egging me on and the fact that it's freaking fire right in your face and also dark.
I climbed a structure that night earlier at the park. I got really nervous at the top. It was only 8-10ft high.
I made a blog! And accidentally destroyed the blog… and remade the blog! Welcome back!
My blog juggles :) and that makes me the happiest girl in the world.
I've been taking really good care of myself. I like to keep some of my personal victories and joys to myself. I think it makes me happier. But I privately go to the gym and eat my good vegan food and drink water. Make a website and juggle and dance. Juggle fire, party, rub shoulders, flirt, think, read, sleep well, dress up, transition, make money, make friends, make time for myself.
I think a lot of people's incentives could be defined more sharply. I don't wanna die happy, I want to live happy. I want to live healthy. I want to have fun and be safe. I want fun and safe things to excite me.
Everything is awesome and so much fun!
I got to juggle with torches last night! I did not expect the physical anxiety to get to me so much. I was shaking, but recognized that feeling at that moment. Weirdly, there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. This is likely due to the audience egging me on and the fact that it's freaking fire right in your face and also dark.
I climbed a structure that night earlier at the park. I got really nervous at the top. It was only 8-10ft high.
I made a blog! And accidentally destroyed the blog… and remade the blog! Welcome back!
My blog juggles :) and that makes me the happiest girl in the world.
I've been taking really good care of myself. I like to keep some of my personal victories and joys to myself. I think it makes me happier. But I privately go to the gym and eat my good vegan food and drink water. Make a website and juggle and dance. Juggle fire, party, rub shoulders, flirt, think, read, sleep well, dress up, transition, make money, make friends, make time for myself.
I think a lot of people's incentives could be defined more sharply. I don't wanna die happy, I want to live happy. I want to live healthy. I want to have fun and be safe. I want fun and safe things to excite me.
So Make a
To-Do List~!
7/27/26 Blog Post
7/25/26
Okay! So one thing leads to another and I have like an artsy to-do list!
I've got a little update-based personal blog that's decorated and ready for updates.
I've got a youtube channel where I post juggling vlogs and fun performance videos. I want to post videos like scripted content, fun juggle ideas like “mill's mess in messed up places,” and more than just daily practice, once I get that ready. To-do list…
My scripts exist on my website, with cute ticket labels! I want to busk once I get my 5-ball cascade down. I may want to write stuff like stage scripts, not juggling, as well as short stories or something longer eventually. Lots to-do…
I made a little hand-designed business card. I printed some, and added a scan to my website. I, later, realized that I have a new juggling Youtube and an old SoundCloud account I might want to add on soon. More to-do…
Eventually I want to make my own clothes. I have a friend who is supposed to help me get my hands on her old sewing machine, but I have to be patient.
I'm doing well as my mom's caretaker, as well as caring for her pets. Juggling is going crazy well and I juggle every day in my room and out at the park.
Eventually I want to live somewhere warm and have some chickens that roam my backyard.
I like where I am at with a lot of things. I like how I present and how I socialize, for the most part. I like my relationship with money, although I could use some more 💀. I like how I am turning myself towards participating in the world how I want to.
All this to say, if you're tuned in to what's up with me, expect some exciting stuff :).
Okay! So one thing leads to another and I have like an artsy to-do list!
I've got a little update-based personal blog that's decorated and ready for updates.
I've got a youtube channel where I post juggling vlogs and fun performance videos. I want to post videos like scripted content, fun juggle ideas like “mill's mess in messed up places,” and more than just daily practice, once I get that ready. To-do list…
My scripts exist on my website, with cute ticket labels! I want to busk once I get my 5-ball cascade down. I may want to write stuff like stage scripts, not juggling, as well as short stories or something longer eventually. Lots to-do…
I made a little hand-designed business card. I printed some, and added a scan to my website. I, later, realized that I have a new juggling Youtube and an old SoundCloud account I might want to add on soon. More to-do…
Eventually I want to make my own clothes. I have a friend who is supposed to help me get my hands on her old sewing machine, but I have to be patient.
I'm doing well as my mom's caretaker, as well as caring for her pets. Juggling is going crazy well and I juggle every day in my room and out at the park.
Eventually I want to live somewhere warm and have some chickens that roam my backyard.
I like where I am at with a lot of things. I like how I present and how I socialize, for the most part. I like my relationship with money, although I could use some more 💀. I like how I am turning myself towards participating in the world how I want to.
All this to say, if you're tuned in to what's up with me, expect some exciting stuff :).
Not Ready To
Mingle
7/30/26 Blog Post
7/30/26
I recently lost access to the benefits part of my friends with benefits situation. I am not that bummed socially, I think it makes sense for them to take their steps back and work on themselves. It does mean I am currently very single.
I think this is… good! Uncomfortable, given my dating history, but good. I've always been in a relationship. When I was in high school I dated my sweetheart from sophomore to senior year, until Covid separated everybody, including us. I spent some time flirting on the internet, but then from 2020 to 2026 I've been in a long term, monogamous relationship with this girl I really love.
When I transitioned, I broke things off, earlier this year. I needed to be alone. Probably I still need to be alone. I think sex is just another pleasure feeling we chase and love is reflected in ourselves first. Without knowing who you are, the love you reflect will be dim and muddy.
So I took a step back to define myself. I remember saying things like "I don't like the way you see me” and “it feels like you don't understand what I'm going through." I think she did understand, I think she probably saw me more clearly than I did and that scared me.
I think it'd be good to think about things for a while. The type of romance I want to find is not impulsive. I want to find someone who makes sense in my life and know them very deeply. No more chasing. I want to want to get to know people again. I am a little information fatigued from skills training and learning so much about myself so quickly. It is okay to slow down.
I think I want to be single for a while, and prioritize platonic love. The point of life is to love. I want to find the things that loving comes easily for. I love juggling. I love my cats. I wanna love romance like that, if I ever love it again.
😬
In semi-related news, I've decided to take a break from juggling club on Wednesdays. I think I've gotten to the point where I want to diversify my new friendships, and move away from stacking eggs in my basket from the juggle club nest. I have made the friends I will make early, and require something else to make progress socially. I think I want to do a little private training thing and come back calmer about casual juggling and further into serious juggling. This will help me connect with both the try-hards and the take-it-easys. I will reach out to one or two folks to practice partner passing, but this time in a focused way and with the intention of becoming a superstar at it (instead of social participation). I want to learn how to dance, so I can be less clumsy and a better dancer. I think going to club has sort of centered my life around having a best-day-of-my-week, and I want to sort of normalize the dopamine in my day-to-day a little better.
I want to make YouTube videos. I think I've found a sustainable rhythm where I make watchable stuff! We will see if I find an audience, but coming from long-form TBOI youtube watching, I know there's at least a couple thousand people that would tune in.
I'll be busking every free day until I'm good at it. I need more money :/. Say it ain't so! I want to go to the morning markets, and then the queer bar neighborhoods at night. Clown is as clown does. No more waiting for anything. I am pretty, organized and exceptional! Time 2 shine!
🌟
I recently lost access to the benefits part of my friends with benefits situation. I am not that bummed socially, I think it makes sense for them to take their steps back and work on themselves. It does mean I am currently very single.
I think this is… good! Uncomfortable, given my dating history, but good. I've always been in a relationship. When I was in high school I dated my sweetheart from sophomore to senior year, until Covid separated everybody, including us. I spent some time flirting on the internet, but then from 2020 to 2026 I've been in a long term, monogamous relationship with this girl I really love.
When I transitioned, I broke things off, earlier this year. I needed to be alone. Probably I still need to be alone. I think sex is just another pleasure feeling we chase and love is reflected in ourselves first. Without knowing who you are, the love you reflect will be dim and muddy.
So I took a step back to define myself. I remember saying things like "I don't like the way you see me” and “it feels like you don't understand what I'm going through." I think she did understand, I think she probably saw me more clearly than I did and that scared me.
I think it'd be good to think about things for a while. The type of romance I want to find is not impulsive. I want to find someone who makes sense in my life and know them very deeply. No more chasing. I want to want to get to know people again. I am a little information fatigued from skills training and learning so much about myself so quickly. It is okay to slow down.
I think I want to be single for a while, and prioritize platonic love. The point of life is to love. I want to find the things that loving comes easily for. I love juggling. I love my cats. I wanna love romance like that, if I ever love it again.
😬
In semi-related news, I've decided to take a break from juggling club on Wednesdays. I think I've gotten to the point where I want to diversify my new friendships, and move away from stacking eggs in my basket from the juggle club nest. I have made the friends I will make early, and require something else to make progress socially. I think I want to do a little private training thing and come back calmer about casual juggling and further into serious juggling. This will help me connect with both the try-hards and the take-it-easys. I will reach out to one or two folks to practice partner passing, but this time in a focused way and with the intention of becoming a superstar at it (instead of social participation). I want to learn how to dance, so I can be less clumsy and a better dancer. I think going to club has sort of centered my life around having a best-day-of-my-week, and I want to sort of normalize the dopamine in my day-to-day a little better.
I want to make YouTube videos. I think I've found a sustainable rhythm where I make watchable stuff! We will see if I find an audience, but coming from long-form TBOI youtube watching, I know there's at least a couple thousand people that would tune in.
I'll be busking every free day until I'm good at it. I need more money :/. Say it ain't so! I want to go to the morning markets, and then the queer bar neighborhoods at night. Clown is as clown does. No more waiting for anything. I am pretty, organized and exceptional! Time 2 shine!
🌟
Skill Expression
8/01/26 Blog Post
8/01/26
New month today. The moon has been brilliant and bright and round these past few days. I'm not sure how to interpret that spiritually.
I watched a video that talked about the human sensorium last night, the world according to our human senses. We are just machines trying to build castles and think about death, was what they said. I guess I agree, but I think there's a lot more to us. You are what you put into yourself. It's a truism that you are what you eat, I guess, and I think that naturally is just as true about spiritual food. Food for the soul.
I'm not the best at making friends. My strategy is just to hang around where common minded people are. Lots of introductions, but less friend-making is happening than I'd prefer. I feel young, and like my skills aren't sharp enough to express them how I want. I don't feel much like myself these days.
Skill expression. Art as skill expression is a hard line to play around. I want my skills to be sharper, and I put pressure on myself to practice really hard and to “be gooder”. But the art stops where I've stopped, and the art starts at picking up the props. I am making art. Not sure who I am living this life for. Not sure if I'm ready for the things I want.
I know that I'm making friends, but am left feeling like I want more. I want people who want to hang out. Who are young and free and not up to much. I want friends who I can connect with deeply. I want to surround myself with love every day and never let that go.
It is a little surreal that setting myself up well, like through juggling, vlogging and blogging makes me feel disconnected from people. It feels like my way out. It feels like I'm working on myself, and putting time in. It feels stupid and isolating. Ive gotten very little engagement on it. I spend a bunch of energy looking for ‘something’ in social situations, which gives me brain fog when im around others. This has gotta be the way to put myself out there without freezing up. Wish me luck yall. ♥ I love you :)
New month today. The moon has been brilliant and bright and round these past few days. I'm not sure how to interpret that spiritually.
I watched a video that talked about the human sensorium last night, the world according to our human senses. We are just machines trying to build castles and think about death, was what they said. I guess I agree, but I think there's a lot more to us. You are what you put into yourself. It's a truism that you are what you eat, I guess, and I think that naturally is just as true about spiritual food. Food for the soul.
I'm not the best at making friends. My strategy is just to hang around where common minded people are. Lots of introductions, but less friend-making is happening than I'd prefer. I feel young, and like my skills aren't sharp enough to express them how I want. I don't feel much like myself these days.
Skill expression. Art as skill expression is a hard line to play around. I want my skills to be sharper, and I put pressure on myself to practice really hard and to “be gooder”. But the art stops where I've stopped, and the art starts at picking up the props. I am making art. Not sure who I am living this life for. Not sure if I'm ready for the things I want.
I know that I'm making friends, but am left feeling like I want more. I want people who want to hang out. Who are young and free and not up to much. I want friends who I can connect with deeply. I want to surround myself with love every day and never let that go.
It is a little surreal that setting myself up well, like through juggling, vlogging and blogging makes me feel disconnected from people. It feels like my way out. It feels like I'm working on myself, and putting time in. It feels stupid and isolating. Ive gotten very little engagement on it. I spend a bunch of energy looking for ‘something’ in social situations, which gives me brain fog when im around others. This has gotta be the way to put myself out there without freezing up. Wish me luck yall. ♥ I love you :)
Perfection
8/02/26 Blog Post
8/02/26
Nothing is perfect and that is fine. Actually that's the key to it all. Like, spiritually. A lot of our environment is manipulated and changeable, mutable. Scrutinizable. So if we can change stuff, and nothing is perfect, there's no reason not to keep changing stuff as “the game” instead of perfection being “the game.” Experiment. Have fun. Let loose.
Feeling: Optimistic today.
Nothing is perfect and that is fine. Actually that's the key to it all. Like, spiritually. A lot of our environment is manipulated and changeable, mutable. Scrutinizable. So if we can change stuff, and nothing is perfect, there's no reason not to keep changing stuff as “the game” instead of perfection being “the game.” Experiment. Have fun. Let loose.
Feeling: Optimistic today.
Challenge
8/03/26 Blog Post
8/03/26
I love learning! I want to think more about what I talk about and how I present myself online, I guess. I want to uplift people and spread positive messages and vibes!
It's important to take care of yourself, to have fun, to try new things. I guess the idea is to uplift myself by doing that, and then encourage others to have the confidence to do so when they can by leading by example.
That's how it feels at my juggle club. I came in and am a firecracker. Hot and energetic and full of spark and promise. I am pushing others to be better by pushing myself and showing that off. People are encouraged by me, not intimidated! Positive spins on edgy ideas takes some energy, but is worth it. Be socially conscious, spread joy and not anxiety.
I am definitely anxious. I am learning how to be calmer, I think. Sinking into a routine I like has helped. Having this blog website and posting daily has me talking and reflecting and learning and trying new things!
I've been reading poetry. It's so nice. Just kinda plainly. Nice. Calming. Beautiful and also kinda wordy and whatever. It's like looking at a sunset but there's things on the horizon. I think Wilde, who is the poet I'm reading right now, has some things to say and not all of it is beautiful. It's their poem, though. I'll write my own if I want to have opinions like that. And I will write my own.
Challenge:
Ask someone to try something.
Someone in your life.
Something that is new.
Get a tattoo, piercing, ring.
Never wed a wife.
If you do, you're blue.
Pain will always wing,
The one who holds the knife,
Is that person you?
I love learning! I want to think more about what I talk about and how I present myself online, I guess. I want to uplift people and spread positive messages and vibes!
It's important to take care of yourself, to have fun, to try new things. I guess the idea is to uplift myself by doing that, and then encourage others to have the confidence to do so when they can by leading by example.
That's how it feels at my juggle club. I came in and am a firecracker. Hot and energetic and full of spark and promise. I am pushing others to be better by pushing myself and showing that off. People are encouraged by me, not intimidated! Positive spins on edgy ideas takes some energy, but is worth it. Be socially conscious, spread joy and not anxiety.
I am definitely anxious. I am learning how to be calmer, I think. Sinking into a routine I like has helped. Having this blog website and posting daily has me talking and reflecting and learning and trying new things!
I've been reading poetry. It's so nice. Just kinda plainly. Nice. Calming. Beautiful and also kinda wordy and whatever. It's like looking at a sunset but there's things on the horizon. I think Wilde, who is the poet I'm reading right now, has some things to say and not all of it is beautiful. It's their poem, though. I'll write my own if I want to have opinions like that. And I will write my own.
Challenge:
Ask someone to try something.
Someone in your life.
Something that is new.
Get a tattoo, piercing, ring.
Never wed a wife.
If you do, you're blue.
Pain will always wing,
The one who holds the knife,
Is that person you?
TBOI
8/07/26 Blog Post
8/07/26
Hey yall!
Things are going well! Comparing my life to art so I can philosophy my way through my feelings on both is fun. My day to day has kinda reminded me of TBOI. My macro floor-to-floor (day-by-day) decision making is sharp. There are some in-floor choices (decisions on any given single day) that are sloppy, and some damage I've accrued that says I should be healthier than I am. I think a W is on the way.
The Binding of Issac is a video game where you go floor to floor gaining power and fighting more challenging monsters. It's a game that I like a lot because it has several game elements that can make you feel on top of the arbitrary and at times unfair difficulty scaling. The game does not care what tools it has given you to deal with its challenges, it simply will always have similar challenges in similar spots and you have to rise to beat them. Reminds me of life, like picking your battles. ased on your items.
Where I've been at with life is that I am comfortable. A lot of change has happened recently, and navigating that pit me in a little bit of a haze. Out of that, or emerging, I am securely stable. Things seem to wait for me. I can be social without making progress and that's okay. I might have some neurodivergency that is making me overthink things. “Progress” isn't actually the goal, its the game. Sometimes you start a session in TBOI as a fragile character and die. Then you start again :).
Feeling like I have goals and dreams and also that they are not the point, in a healthy way. I really love myself, and that makes me love life - or do what I can to try. I want to be a great juggler, but being a great juggler won't make me happy. Wanting will. Maybe not always, but in this calm period I find myself in, it does now. Give me something to work on and work through while infinite problems remain infinite. Maybe the world will heal, maybe ill become a great juggler. Who knows? I don't want to know.
Feeling: chewing on challenges like gum, optimistic about how boring and long life could feel // but hopefully wont lmao.
Hey yall!
Things are going well! Comparing my life to art so I can philosophy my way through my feelings on both is fun. My day to day has kinda reminded me of TBOI. My macro floor-to-floor (day-by-day) decision making is sharp. There are some in-floor choices (decisions on any given single day) that are sloppy, and some damage I've accrued that says I should be healthier than I am. I think a W is on the way.
The Binding of Issac is a video game where you go floor to floor gaining power and fighting more challenging monsters. It's a game that I like a lot because it has several game elements that can make you feel on top of the arbitrary and at times unfair difficulty scaling. The game does not care what tools it has given you to deal with its challenges, it simply will always have similar challenges in similar spots and you have to rise to beat them. Reminds me of life, like picking your battles. ased on your items.
Where I've been at with life is that I am comfortable. A lot of change has happened recently, and navigating that pit me in a little bit of a haze. Out of that, or emerging, I am securely stable. Things seem to wait for me. I can be social without making progress and that's okay. I might have some neurodivergency that is making me overthink things. “Progress” isn't actually the goal, its the game. Sometimes you start a session in TBOI as a fragile character and die. Then you start again :).
Feeling like I have goals and dreams and also that they are not the point, in a healthy way. I really love myself, and that makes me love life - or do what I can to try. I want to be a great juggler, but being a great juggler won't make me happy. Wanting will. Maybe not always, but in this calm period I find myself in, it does now. Give me something to work on and work through while infinite problems remain infinite. Maybe the world will heal, maybe ill become a great juggler. Who knows? I don't want to know.
Feeling: chewing on challenges like gum, optimistic about how boring and long life could feel // but hopefully wont lmao.
Relationships
8/10/26 Blog Post
8/10/26
Forgive me if this sounds like cope.
I think I've experienced so much of other people's thoughts, emotions, experiences through the internet that I want to be alone. I, at the very least, want to be happy being alone. I am disinterested in romance, and sex, at this point in my life. Or, indefinitely, until the philosophy is more soundly built in my life's framework or I stumble into something unexpected.
Having been in long term relationships, and having hooked up before, it feels like without access to those things that I don't need them. I want them, cravings style, for sure. The things that I benefitted from are available from other folks in my life, and other sources besides people.
Examples:
A) sex feels good but I can make myself feel good. Its connection and bonding, and a physicalized version of that, but that's available in other contexts that mean more long term. Juggling with a partner is just as socially engaging, touching myself can often be a more constituent pleasure experience for me.
B) kissing and holding hands and romantic stuff is awesome but we should invite our friends into our romantic life. The romantic ideal is flowers and love and warmth, and friendship is like that without any weirdness. Weirdness in a relationship isn't always bad, but how can you be yourself fully if you reflect yourself off another person? Kiss your friends, hold somebody's hand when you wanna hold something.
C) quality time and words of affirmation and love languages BS is obviously not typically reserved for romantic relationships, but practice self love y'all! You have got to have your back! I've been taking myself out on self-dates and saying nice things to myself, as a ritual, and I've been more content with myself.
Relationships are awesome. I should worry less about outcomes, though. Just keep my head down and be myself. Let the good times come as they will. Don't rush. Put yourself out there, though. Change your actions to be in the right places, then work on your attitude if that's not feeling right. Currently in the “attitude” phase, personally, because I've adored the spaces I’ve been invited into.
I think I might have some neurodivergence. I am not gonna get into a self diagnosis or psychological profile here on my blog but mah brain dont work like… in a casual way? Trying to be with that more and think about it less. It's important to understand yourself, but without a therapist I'm pretty close to the end of the line of my perceived benefit of my self-diagnosis. My dreams have been about organizing formless things into arbitrary, unnamed categories. What is that all about?
Forgive me if this sounds like cope.
I think I've experienced so much of other people's thoughts, emotions, experiences through the internet that I want to be alone. I, at the very least, want to be happy being alone. I am disinterested in romance, and sex, at this point in my life. Or, indefinitely, until the philosophy is more soundly built in my life's framework or I stumble into something unexpected.
Having been in long term relationships, and having hooked up before, it feels like without access to those things that I don't need them. I want them, cravings style, for sure. The things that I benefitted from are available from other folks in my life, and other sources besides people.
Examples:
A) sex feels good but I can make myself feel good. Its connection and bonding, and a physicalized version of that, but that's available in other contexts that mean more long term. Juggling with a partner is just as socially engaging, touching myself can often be a more constituent pleasure experience for me.
B) kissing and holding hands and romantic stuff is awesome but we should invite our friends into our romantic life. The romantic ideal is flowers and love and warmth, and friendship is like that without any weirdness. Weirdness in a relationship isn't always bad, but how can you be yourself fully if you reflect yourself off another person? Kiss your friends, hold somebody's hand when you wanna hold something.
C) quality time and words of affirmation and love languages BS is obviously not typically reserved for romantic relationships, but practice self love y'all! You have got to have your back! I've been taking myself out on self-dates and saying nice things to myself, as a ritual, and I've been more content with myself.
Relationships are awesome. I should worry less about outcomes, though. Just keep my head down and be myself. Let the good times come as they will. Don't rush. Put yourself out there, though. Change your actions to be in the right places, then work on your attitude if that's not feeling right. Currently in the “attitude” phase, personally, because I've adored the spaces I’ve been invited into.
I think I might have some neurodivergence. I am not gonna get into a self diagnosis or psychological profile here on my blog but mah brain dont work like… in a casual way? Trying to be with that more and think about it less. It's important to understand yourself, but without a therapist I'm pretty close to the end of the line of my perceived benefit of my self-diagnosis. My dreams have been about organizing formless things into arbitrary, unnamed categories. What is that all about?
Physical Autistic
9/03/26 Blog Post
9/03/26
Heyyyyy girl! It's been a minute. . .
I kinda forgot this is the place I built to dump my personal thoughts instead of over explaining to other people.
So I said I wasn't gonna diagnose or whatever… but then I spent a month juggling and thinking about myself and my place in the world…
I think im autistic physical, not autistic mental, if there is a difference. I guess I should start with I think I'm on the spectrum for many reasons. Recently I started juggling, and it's been amazing. I'm learning really fast. A long time ago I realized I didn't have many thoughts in my head. I have always sought out physical hobbies.
I liked parkour and melee and, now, juggling. I like the physical parts of romance more than the dialectical. I learned how to talk well, but my first language has always been spoken through my body. I was a runner in high school. I liked oration and acting, though I didn't pursue it very hard.
I eat the same food every day, and started adding sensory blockers like sunglasses and headphones to my outings, like horses wear, to much sensory seeking / controlling success.
Idk man the other thing is like when I came out as trans, the first thing I did was mostly physicalize myself towards femininity, which led to the thoughts and euphoria I was aiming for. I spoke the physical language of femininity in order to learn the emotional / dialectic part of it.
I think the internet is kind of like a giant public park. There are markets and people doing art and larger events happening and people sharing opinions and chatting. I've always felt insecure online, because of the reflections of myself that would be mirrored into my hyper-real state I was indoctrinated into, growing up on the internet. Being trans was such a 'thing', (both there were tgirls that were passing well, adults, beautiful and like 'how do i be like them' AND also negative things like the US govt system is still persecuting trans people as if they arent very obviously literally trying to say anything loud enough to distract us from the fact that our leaders are pedophilic oli/broligarchs) that I didnt know how to not feel insecure until I arbitrarily started making decisions IRL. I am engaging in some attention-seeking behavior online. To me it feels like shouting in the park, but I feel okay about that. Specifically because i have a performance art I'm working on and promoting as a large part of my brand right now. Like, as an autistic person, what is the difference between a "hyperfixation that is visible" VS. an "icon or brand" associated with a popular person like a celebrity or influencer? Except for the obvious part that I'm not actually making money off of juggling, and wouldn't know how to quite yet.
Heyyyyy girl! It's been a minute. . .
I kinda forgot this is the place I built to dump my personal thoughts instead of over explaining to other people.
So I said I wasn't gonna diagnose or whatever… but then I spent a month juggling and thinking about myself and my place in the world…
I think im autistic physical, not autistic mental, if there is a difference. I guess I should start with I think I'm on the spectrum for many reasons. Recently I started juggling, and it's been amazing. I'm learning really fast. A long time ago I realized I didn't have many thoughts in my head. I have always sought out physical hobbies.
I liked parkour and melee and, now, juggling. I like the physical parts of romance more than the dialectical. I learned how to talk well, but my first language has always been spoken through my body. I was a runner in high school. I liked oration and acting, though I didn't pursue it very hard.
I eat the same food every day, and started adding sensory blockers like sunglasses and headphones to my outings, like horses wear, to much sensory seeking / controlling success.
Idk man the other thing is like when I came out as trans, the first thing I did was mostly physicalize myself towards femininity, which led to the thoughts and euphoria I was aiming for. I spoke the physical language of femininity in order to learn the emotional / dialectic part of it.
I think the internet is kind of like a giant public park. There are markets and people doing art and larger events happening and people sharing opinions and chatting. I've always felt insecure online, because of the reflections of myself that would be mirrored into my hyper-real state I was indoctrinated into, growing up on the internet. Being trans was such a 'thing', (both there were tgirls that were passing well, adults, beautiful and like 'how do i be like them' AND also negative things like the US govt system is still persecuting trans people as if they arent very obviously literally trying to say anything loud enough to distract us from the fact that our leaders are pedophilic oli/broligarchs) that I didnt know how to not feel insecure until I arbitrarily started making decisions IRL. I am engaging in some attention-seeking behavior online. To me it feels like shouting in the park, but I feel okay about that. Specifically because i have a performance art I'm working on and promoting as a large part of my brand right now. Like, as an autistic person, what is the difference between a "hyperfixation that is visible" VS. an "icon or brand" associated with a popular person like a celebrity or influencer? Except for the obvious part that I'm not actually making money off of juggling, and wouldn't know how to quite yet.
Updated Thoughts
9/06/26 Blog Post
9/06/26
Okay, so, misguided on the last but about brand and special interest and idk the internet has me using words I don't mean and then coming up with better ideas later that are more nuanced and abstract and less gassy. Conciseness is very important. Bloat is a common feeling that an audience is hoping to avoid feeling, and special interests are like neurodivergent coded and so come with some social cue stuff and like isn't curated and idk.
Also about the park analogy I guess now maybe I think of it more like maybe that is how I feel about it but my mind blows up banal things into stress so I should be thoughtful lest I give myself a heart attack.
I guess I am like a very physically sensitive person. But also I've dated a linguist and love languages and like dont think it's bad to try to find the words for stuff, I just think I know that's a slow process for me. I wonder if thoughts are a sensory experience, right? And so if im in a sensitive mood or situation I feel my thoughts harder, in the same way I may feel pain harder . . .? Idk, I like iterating on my thoughts and trying to get to the bottom of them…
Currently growing out my facial hair and feeling THE MOST dysphoria about it i think, but keeping it on for another day or two? Or I'll shave my body tomorrow idk it depends on energy level. I do wonder if the dysphoria sticks about or if I came around to it because I'm interested in nonbinarism but physically haven't felt very masculine since I started transitioning.
Okay, so, misguided on the last but about brand and special interest and idk the internet has me using words I don't mean and then coming up with better ideas later that are more nuanced and abstract and less gassy. Conciseness is very important. Bloat is a common feeling that an audience is hoping to avoid feeling, and special interests are like neurodivergent coded and so come with some social cue stuff and like isn't curated and idk.
Also about the park analogy I guess now maybe I think of it more like maybe that is how I feel about it but my mind blows up banal things into stress so I should be thoughtful lest I give myself a heart attack.
I guess I am like a very physically sensitive person. But also I've dated a linguist and love languages and like dont think it's bad to try to find the words for stuff, I just think I know that's a slow process for me. I wonder if thoughts are a sensory experience, right? And so if im in a sensitive mood or situation I feel my thoughts harder, in the same way I may feel pain harder . . .? Idk, I like iterating on my thoughts and trying to get to the bottom of them…
Currently growing out my facial hair and feeling THE MOST dysphoria about it i think, but keeping it on for another day or two? Or I'll shave my body tomorrow idk it depends on energy level. I do wonder if the dysphoria sticks about or if I came around to it because I'm interested in nonbinarism but physically haven't felt very masculine since I started transitioning.
Anxious and Sober and Crazy
9/28/26 Blog Post
9/28/26
Midnight:
I went to bed around 9pm today. My body is exhausted constantly. I was given cravings at an early age and never taught how to fight them. It feels like the battle people describe in literature. I wish I could give into hedonism often. My parents are both crippled alcoholics, with so much potential. I do not want to end up like them.
There is a line in House of Leaves about two brothers who were raised in a worse setting than I was. Tom wants to live, David Navidson wants to succeed. One smokes weed and has a decent job and battles addiction, the other is a renowned journalist photographer and works out every day. I want to succeed. Just living has caused such pain in me.
I used to date this girl, and she was more mature than I was. I hid and lied and obfuscated how much of a craving machine I am. I wanted to be normal and mature so badly that I lost how I was supposed to live.
My body is cared for and safe. My brain doesn't feel like it has received the same treatment. Moving in with my mom, I was not ready for the chaos of maturing. Chaos can be a ladder, or you can sink into the mud. I want to climb and bring everyone along with me. I want to climb so high I can apologize to those I've hurt by being addicted young.
I became a Buddhist recently. Or I was always Buddhist but never practiced the hard stuff. Meditation and mindfulness and battling craving and building unfleshly joy and desire.
Now I can't sleep and instead of meditating I sneak a hit of my moms vape and take huge chunks of matted fur off my cat in order to try and get some chemical satisfaction that will bring my mind to ease. I eat foods that aren't in my diet; vegan, but not what I want to consume. I feel like a craving machine. I am blessed that the hardest shit I ever loved was nicotine. Alcohol has been fun but toxic. Weed makes me anxious now. Or rather I am anxious and alone now and weed amplifies those feelings.
I feel like I make a million decisions in a day. I always said I felt like I had more time than other people, actually it's like a fuckton of executive decision making. I am young and believe I will die early. The fascist government will collapse or rise and fall and climate change will kill us. 4 years to enact bold change. Trump is no true fascist but white-nationalist authoritarianism is on the rise. Trump cuts and deregulates all government safety nets and the U.S., now 40 trillion in debt is losing its power to sell bonds so the dollar will deflate rapidly.
I want to take care of my mom. I want to take care of myself. Buddhism helps me be in the moment with that, but feels like I am rejecting the larger world. I was born into a chaotic and broken system.
My diet is better, and that makes me feel like I can recognize the poison that nicotine is, that alcohol is. Even the pacifier that weed is.
IDK i am very healthy in the body i think, but i have a fear of healthcare because of how complicated it is to receive and how complicated my life is. Every single day feels so important. Every single day I make a million decisions. It's the third or fourth day without weed, and while I've managed to sneak a vape here or there- 23 hours of those days have been nicotine-less. I feel broken in the brain.
The Buddhism that is helping me: The past is a fabrication that you must make peace with. Any course of action or thought that does not lead to ease/comfort/joy is a false wisdom. You are not alone because the self is fabricated, because it once did not exist, once will not exist and changes in the moment. Live a good life and if things are resolved or there is an afterlife you will have shaped your actions into positive actions that will lead to the positivity and unclenching feeling at the dissolving of your body back to dust. Live a good life and you will have lived a good life.
That last one gets me every time. I’m gonna take it easy and play some Minecraft and stop pressuring myself to be perfect.
Addictions I am shedding like a snake: Phone + Youtube + Social Media. Cannabis + Nicotine + Alcohol. Self Doubt.
Midnight:
I went to bed around 9pm today. My body is exhausted constantly. I was given cravings at an early age and never taught how to fight them. It feels like the battle people describe in literature. I wish I could give into hedonism often. My parents are both crippled alcoholics, with so much potential. I do not want to end up like them.
There is a line in House of Leaves about two brothers who were raised in a worse setting than I was. Tom wants to live, David Navidson wants to succeed. One smokes weed and has a decent job and battles addiction, the other is a renowned journalist photographer and works out every day. I want to succeed. Just living has caused such pain in me.
I used to date this girl, and she was more mature than I was. I hid and lied and obfuscated how much of a craving machine I am. I wanted to be normal and mature so badly that I lost how I was supposed to live.
My body is cared for and safe. My brain doesn't feel like it has received the same treatment. Moving in with my mom, I was not ready for the chaos of maturing. Chaos can be a ladder, or you can sink into the mud. I want to climb and bring everyone along with me. I want to climb so high I can apologize to those I've hurt by being addicted young.
I became a Buddhist recently. Or I was always Buddhist but never practiced the hard stuff. Meditation and mindfulness and battling craving and building unfleshly joy and desire.
Now I can't sleep and instead of meditating I sneak a hit of my moms vape and take huge chunks of matted fur off my cat in order to try and get some chemical satisfaction that will bring my mind to ease. I eat foods that aren't in my diet; vegan, but not what I want to consume. I feel like a craving machine. I am blessed that the hardest shit I ever loved was nicotine. Alcohol has been fun but toxic. Weed makes me anxious now. Or rather I am anxious and alone now and weed amplifies those feelings.
I feel like I make a million decisions in a day. I always said I felt like I had more time than other people, actually it's like a fuckton of executive decision making. I am young and believe I will die early. The fascist government will collapse or rise and fall and climate change will kill us. 4 years to enact bold change. Trump is no true fascist but white-nationalist authoritarianism is on the rise. Trump cuts and deregulates all government safety nets and the U.S., now 40 trillion in debt is losing its power to sell bonds so the dollar will deflate rapidly.
I want to take care of my mom. I want to take care of myself. Buddhism helps me be in the moment with that, but feels like I am rejecting the larger world. I was born into a chaotic and broken system.
My diet is better, and that makes me feel like I can recognize the poison that nicotine is, that alcohol is. Even the pacifier that weed is.
IDK i am very healthy in the body i think, but i have a fear of healthcare because of how complicated it is to receive and how complicated my life is. Every single day feels so important. Every single day I make a million decisions. It's the third or fourth day without weed, and while I've managed to sneak a vape here or there- 23 hours of those days have been nicotine-less. I feel broken in the brain.
The Buddhism that is helping me: The past is a fabrication that you must make peace with. Any course of action or thought that does not lead to ease/comfort/joy is a false wisdom. You are not alone because the self is fabricated, because it once did not exist, once will not exist and changes in the moment. Live a good life and if things are resolved or there is an afterlife you will have shaped your actions into positive actions that will lead to the positivity and unclenching feeling at the dissolving of your body back to dust. Live a good life and you will have lived a good life.
That last one gets me every time. I’m gonna take it easy and play some Minecraft and stop pressuring myself to be perfect.
Addictions I am shedding like a snake: Phone + Youtube + Social Media. Cannabis + Nicotine + Alcohol. Self Doubt.
♥ Girl, Scripting ♥
ADMIT ONE
Corporate Clown:
Audience Funding
Juggling Stage Act
Corpo the Clown, Bit 1: Audience Funding
On stage:
Table full of clown gear, with large hanging signs labeled with small dollar amounts (ranging from $1-$20). A vendor is standing behind the booth, holding a steady but fake smile.
Clown gear includes:
On stage:
Table full of clown gear, with large hanging signs labeled with small dollar amounts (ranging from $1-$20). A vendor is standing behind the booth, holding a steady but fake smile.
Clown gear includes:
- Clown Shoes ($20)
- Scarves ($1)
- Clown Nose ($5)
- Clubs ($5, each)
- Balls/Other Props ($2, each $5 for 5 balls)
- Stack of Cash
Living Wage
($2000?)
Beggar Clown comes out with a cup or hat, and asks the audience for money in order to buy props for which begin the show.
The clown stuffs the $1 bills into their pocket and pulls out a replacement wad of $1 bills that are attached like magic scarves. They go to the vendor and hand them a $1 bill from their dominant hand to buy the scarves. The vendor instead reaches for their wad of cash and starts pulling on the $1 bills until it is gone. They exchange the scarves in return.
ADMIT ONE
Corporate Clown:
Props
Juggling Stage Act
Corpo the Clown, Bit 2: Physical Props
- Clubs that are designed to look like soda bottles and are branded as
Clown-ca Cola
brand bottles. A parody ofCoca-Cola.
- A contract that extends like magic scarves out of a pocket.
- A wad of cash that gets taken away like magic scarves.
- Gachapon juggling balls that reveal tiered collectable rewards. (Maybe 3D printed mini clubs made from bronze, silver, or gold filament.)
ADMIT ONE
Corporate Clown:
Clocking In
Juggling Stage Act
Corpo the Clown, Bit 3: Clocking In
Synopsis:
A physical, existential, party clown comedy show for 1-3 performers about the monotony of capitalism. Requires sets of 3 for several prop variants; balls, clubs, hoops, blocks. As well as requiring a set of 5 for balls. Centered around a work week, the lead character clocks in to work their 9-5 any given weekday, but when their shift ends they come alive when they get home and get to let loose. With the finale taking place at a party space, it would be fun to invite other jugglers / audience members to join the show while the music plays - weekend night vibes.
*If performed as a solo act, there is a second hand required between acts where the props will need to be set up on the table for the workday.
3+3+3+3+2= 14 total props
Juggling Skills:
Set:
Objects and reqs: Work-style table, Home-style chair + Home-style table + Decorative plate, Bluetooth Speaker
Stage right: Table with 3 balls
Stage Left: Chair, Table w/ Plate, Bluetooth speaker on floor
ACT 1: Monday, 3 Balls
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Pick up 3 balls
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bags balls
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music plays
-60s approx flow 3 balls juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Clubs placed on table*
ACT 2: Tuesday, Clubs
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Forget about nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 clubs
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bags clubs
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music plays
-60s approx flow 3 clubs juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Hoops placed on table*
ACT 3: Wednesday, Hoops
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Remember nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 hoops
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bag hoops
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Walk to other side of stage
-Mime driving, unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-60s approx flow 3 hoops juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Blocks placed on table*
ACT 4: Thursday, Blocks
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Crash while parking
-Get hurt and/or frustrated
-Remember nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 blocks
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bag blocks
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-60s approx flow 3 block flow juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*5 balls placed on table*
ACT 5: Friday, 5 Balls; Weekend, Multi-Prop, Finale
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Leave nose on
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 5 balls
-Cascade, 30s
-Timer buzzes
-Bag balls
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime showing ID, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music starts
-120s approx flow multi prop juggling
-Partner(s) flood in for partner passing for approx 120smins
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, clown nose off
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime clocking in
-Loud sigh
End
Questions:
What music is best? Is 60s too short, too long? How long will each act be, how long will the show run, is it variable or set? Does the integrated physical comedy flow well? Is the existential anti-capitalist, pro-social + pro-joy message obvious enough / is there space to bulk that up?
Synopsis:
A physical, existential, party clown comedy show for 1-3 performers about the monotony of capitalism. Requires sets of 3 for several prop variants; balls, clubs, hoops, blocks. As well as requiring a set of 5 for balls. Centered around a work week, the lead character clocks in to work their 9-5 any given weekday, but when their shift ends they come alive when they get home and get to let loose. With the finale taking place at a party space, it would be fun to invite other jugglers / audience members to join the show while the music plays - weekend night vibes.
*If performed as a solo act, there is a second hand required between acts where the props will need to be set up on the table for the workday.
3+3+3+3+2= 14 total props
Juggling Skills:
- 3 prop cascade; balls, clubs, hoops, blocks
- 5 ball cascade
- 1m+ flow improv / routine for balls, clubs, hoops, blocks
- 2m+ flow improv / routine for multi-prop
- Unicycle
- 2m+ solo improv or partner flow routine mapping for finale
- Suit and tie
- Sexy Lingerie Top
- Stylish prop bag, large enough for 14 props
Set:
Objects and reqs: Work-style table, Home-style chair + Home-style table + Decorative plate, Bluetooth Speaker
Stage right: Table with 3 balls
Stage Left: Chair, Table w/ Plate, Bluetooth speaker on floor
ACT 1: Monday, 3 Balls
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Pick up 3 balls
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bags balls
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music plays
-60s approx flow 3 balls juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Clubs placed on table*
ACT 2: Tuesday, Clubs
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Forget about nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 clubs
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bags clubs
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music plays
-60s approx flow 3 clubs juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Hoops placed on table*
ACT 3: Wednesday, Hoops
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Remember nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 hoops
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bag hoops
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Walk to other side of stage
-Mime driving, unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-60s approx flow 3 hoops juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*Blocks placed on table*
ACT 4: Thursday, Blocks
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Crash while parking
-Get hurt and/or frustrated
-Remember nose, shove it into pocket
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 3 blocks
-Cascade painfully slow, 30s ~60bpm
-Timer buzzes
-Bag blocks
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime unlocking door, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-60s approx flow 3 block flow juggling
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, rub eyes, shoulders tighten
-*5 balls placed on table*
ACT 5: Friday, 5 Balls; Weekend, Multi-Prop, Finale
-Unicycle across stage
-Park unicycle carefully
-Leave nose on
-Contact juggling, left hand
-Mime punching in, right hand
-Walk up to table
-Set bag down
-Pick up 5 balls
-Cascade, 30s
-Timer buzzes
-Bag balls
-Contact juggle
-Clock out
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime showing ID, drinking
-Costume change (shirt off, clown nose on, shoulders relax)
-Mime pressing jukebox
-Party music starts
-120s approx flow multi prop juggling
-Partner(s) flood in for partner passing for approx 120smins
-Yawn and mime bedtime
-Alarm noise
-Shirt on, clown nose off
-Unicycle across stage
-Mime clocking in
-Loud sigh
End
Questions:
What music is best? Is 60s too short, too long? How long will each act be, how long will the show run, is it variable or set? Does the integrated physical comedy flow well? Is the existential anti-capitalist, pro-social + pro-joy message obvious enough / is there space to bulk that up?
ADMIT ONE
Puppy Play
Juggling Stage Act
Puppy Play:
Henri Veillon
Synopsis:
A kinky burlesque juggling performance with options for difficulty and length (timing). The characters are a D/s pair, a dog trainer and a puppy (with an optional third role, an older, assistant dog).
Performance Optimizations:
15 minutes(? unperformed...); 2(-3) performers; 6(-9) identical props, must be safely catchable in mouth; 12+ feet horizontal, 10+ feet vertical min space req.
Tricks actors must know:
Part 1: Role Selection (2-4 Minutes)
Optional 2-4 minute section where host or announcer introduces jugglers and has them perform 15-60s of improvised flow juggling. (The audience would be clued in beforehand that the performance is centered around a D/s dynamic, so to look for which actor they think would work best for which role.) The call would be made by standard crowd-response-noise based popularity contest rules. A coin flip could determine which actor performed first. The situation is created so that if an actor is vibing with a certain role, their initial improvs could influence the audience in a direction.
Part 2: Set Up (30 Seconds)
Actors take places: Trainer (T) enters stage right, walking, juggling a 3 prop mill's mess, casually, which transitions into 3 prop cascade as T stops. Puppy (P) is centered stage left, laying down. Good Boy (GB) comes in besides T, relaxed but alert.
Part 3: Rise (Unsure On Timing)
Trainer:
-Pass out of 3 prop cascade, land prop on ground around P’s head.
-Begin slow 2 prop column pattern.
Puppy: -Stirs with little effort.
Trainer:
-Pass out of 2 prop column, land prop on ground around P's stomach.
Puppy: -Stir and lift head, look at prop, recognition.
-Look at T, negotiation, moan.
-Lay head back down.
T: -Unpocket 2 props and begin 3 prop cascade.
P: -Collect 2 props from ground.
-Prepare for pass.
T: -Toss pass out of cascade, unpocket 3rd prop.
P: -Catch 3rd prop and begins reverse cascade pattern.
-Throw two passes.
-Throw self pass to mouth.
T: -Catch two passes.
-Begin 5 prop cascade.
P: -Play with prop in mouth, growl, toss away with mouth.
-Retrieve it.
-Prepare for passes.
T: -Throw two passes.
-Begin 3 prop cascade.
P: -Catch two passes.
-Begin reverse cascade.
-Yawn.
-Begin shower.
-Walk toward T.
-Stop in front of her.
Part 4: Action! (Unsure On Timing)
T:
-Drop juggle.
-Pull out treats, candies.
P: -Get excited.
T:
P: -Sit.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
P: -Lay down.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
P: -Stand and hop.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
-Head scratch for P.
P: -Spin left.
-Spin right.
T: -Handfeed P two treats.
T and P: Perform a series of tosses and catches with P’s mouth.
T:
-Retrieve unicycle.
P: -Get on unicycle.
-Juggle showcase.
-Unicycle Finale.
-Hop down for bows + end.
*Show could end here with Unicycle being the flair finale*
Part 5: Partner Passing, Climax, Finale (Unsure On Timing)
T:
P+T: -Solo juggling, asynchronous.
-T loses focus on P.
-P closes distance with T.
T:
P: -Nods excitedly.
P+T: -Begin partner passing.
-T calls out the variations.
Partner passes: 4’s 3’s 2’s 1’s, spins, legs.
Finale: T tosses partner passes that are wilder and wilder; emphasis on height.
-T calls for
T:
-P takes a bow. Motion for T to bow.
-T takes a bow. Motion for GB to bow.
-GB bows. Motions for acknowledgements or group bow.
-Group bow.
End.
Places for 'Third Character' moments:
Rise: attentive, demonstrating a good boy, curious about resistance from P
Training: showing off perfect examples, receiving praise effortlessly
Unicycle: backseat, that's mostly a P+T trick
Partner Passing: self explanatory, joins pattern, maybe feeds with P into T
Moving forward:
Henri Veillon
Synopsis:
A kinky burlesque juggling performance with options for difficulty and length (timing). The characters are a D/s pair, a dog trainer and a puppy (with an optional third role, an older, assistant dog).
Performance Optimizations:
15 minutes(? unperformed...); 2(-3) performers; 6(-9) identical props, must be safely catchable in mouth; 12+ feet horizontal, 10+ feet vertical min space req.
Tricks actors must know:
- Trainer:
Improv; Placed throws; 3 Prop Cascade; 5 Prop Cascade; Mouth Tosses (Partner) (Treats) - Puppy:
Improv; Quick Floor Pickups; Reverse Cascade; Slow Shower; Mouth Tosses (Self) (Prop); Mouth Catches (Self + Partner) (Prop +Treats); Sitting; Laying Down; Standing; Unicycle - Partner:
4’s, 3’s 2’s 1’s; Spins; Legs; Wild Catches + Throws
- Trainer, T:
Black pencil skirt, comfortable outdoorsy sneakers, short patterned socks (flair accessory), business-like top. Lipstick, jewelry, hair in a bun, glasses, pencil in hair.
Not overdone, but sharply femme in a cunning or mysterious way; overcalculated and controlling. - Puppy, (P):
Brown shorts, brown socks, Ugg-like boots, brown t-shirt with a shirt pocket. Floppy dog ears and a collar.
Goofy, shaggy, noisemaker; floppy. - Good Boy, (GB):
Wearing a gray suit with slutty cut outs. A dog / kinky tie (flair accesory). Slicked back hair and a briefcase full of props.
Mature, responsible, attentive; on guard and focused.
Part 1: Role Selection (2-4 Minutes)
Optional 2-4 minute section where host or announcer introduces jugglers and has them perform 15-60s of improvised flow juggling. (The audience would be clued in beforehand that the performance is centered around a D/s dynamic, so to look for which actor they think would work best for which role.) The call would be made by standard crowd-response-noise based popularity contest rules. A coin flip could determine which actor performed first. The situation is created so that if an actor is vibing with a certain role, their initial improvs could influence the audience in a direction.
Part 2: Set Up (30 Seconds)
Actors take places: Trainer (T) enters stage right, walking, juggling a 3 prop mill's mess, casually, which transitions into 3 prop cascade as T stops. Puppy (P) is centered stage left, laying down. Good Boy (GB) comes in besides T, relaxed but alert.
Part 3: Rise (Unsure On Timing)
Trainer:
Isobel, darling, hello! Have you tired yourself out? Up, up, now for me.
-Pass out of 3 prop cascade, land prop on ground around P’s head.
-Begin slow 2 prop column pattern.
Puppy: -Stirs with little effort.
Trainer:
Isobel, I would like to get some work done!
-Pass out of 2 prop column, land prop on ground around P's stomach.
Puppy: -Stir and lift head, look at prop, recognition.
-Look at T, negotiation, moan.
-Lay head back down.
T: -Unpocket 2 props and begin 3 prop cascade.
Isobel! Fetch!
P: -Collect 2 props from ground.
-Prepare for pass.
T: -Toss pass out of cascade, unpocket 3rd prop.
P: -Catch 3rd prop and begins reverse cascade pattern.
-Throw two passes.
-Throw self pass to mouth.
T: -Catch two passes.
-Begin 5 prop cascade.
P: -Play with prop in mouth, growl, toss away with mouth.
-Retrieve it.
-Prepare for passes.
T: -Throw two passes.
-Begin 3 prop cascade.
P: -Catch two passes.
-Begin reverse cascade.
-Yawn.
-Begin shower.
-Walk toward T.
-Stop in front of her.
Part 4: Action! (Unsure On Timing)
T:
Good girl Isobel! I like the way you play! Are you ready for some training?
-Drop juggle.
-Pull out treats, candies.
P: -Get excited.
T:
Okay Isobel baby, sit!
P: -Sit.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
Lay down!
P: -Lay down.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
Isobel, stand!
P: -Stand and hop.
T: -Handfeed P a treat.
Good girl! You are such a good puppy!
-Head scratch for P.
Isobel, spin for me!
P: -Spin left.
-Spin right.
T: -Handfeed P two treats.
So impressive! Can you catch this?!
T and P: Perform a series of tosses and catches with P’s mouth.
T:
Okay last trick today! Are you in a unicycling mood today? Isobel, up up!
-Retrieve unicycle.
P: -Get on unicycle.
-Juggle showcase.
-Unicycle Finale.
-Hop down for bows + end.
*Show could end here with Unicycle being the flair finale*
Part 5: Partner Passing, Climax, Finale (Unsure On Timing)
T:
Good girl Isobel! Good job training today! Break! Now you can have some fun here at the park!
P+T: -Solo juggling, asynchronous.
-T loses focus on P.
-P closes distance with T.
T:
Oh, you wanna play together?
P: -Nods excitedly.
P+T: -Begin partner passing.
-T calls out the variations.
Partner passes: 4’s 3’s 2’s 1’s, spins, legs.
Finale: T tosses partner passes that are wilder and wilder; emphasis on height.
-T calls for
fetches.
T:
Good girl!
-P takes a bow. Motion for T to bow.
-T takes a bow. Motion for GB to bow.
-GB bows. Motions for acknowledgements or group bow.
-Group bow.
End.
Places for 'Third Character' moments:
Rise: attentive, demonstrating a good boy, curious about resistance from P
Training: showing off perfect examples, receiving praise effortlessly
Unicycle: backseat, that's mostly a P+T trick
Partner Passing: self explanatory, joins pattern, maybe feeds with P into T
Moving forward:
- I think feedback on character development would be useful. The puppy is naturally a very physical character, so they are not given any lines; does this work? The Trainer character by contrast, has several rather short directional lines; do they need to be fleshed out? Do the lines give enough room for characterization for the actors?
- The juggling is in need of practicing, at which point an audience / directors perspective on characterization, flow, and flair would be useful.
- Is it kinky/sexy enough? Is that performed by the actors or written into the script? Does the D/s role-playing and the juggling have enough to do with each other?
♥ Girl, Carding? ♥
Card
Front Side
Card
Back Side
About Me
To-Do List
-
Daily:
- Blog About It, Update Blog Regularly
- Juggle; 5-Ball Cascade, 3-Club & 3-Ball Flow, 3-Club+1-Ball Tricks
- Reading
- Buddhism + Meditation + Yoga + Learn how to Relax
- Be Super Pretty as Often as Possible
- Caretaking
- Shiny Hunting; Targets: Gible + Ponyta/Gligar
- Cardistry + Card Flick Boomerang
- Make Backend Code Prettier
- Fill In "About Me"
- Remake and Update Card (Physical + on Website)
- Make Clothes + Repair Clothes
- Get Set Up For Cool Juggling Videos (like Skateboarding Vids)
- Second Dead God TBOI
- Earn Money :(
- Caretaking
- Practice Some SSBM
- SSBWii Speedrunning Skills Refresh + Practice + Set Up for Timer/Timing
- Fitness Routine (Pumping Iron + Handstands + Running + Abs/Core Calisthenics)
- Help My Mama Edit Her Books
"Gender in a Changing World" by Marc Shimazu + Lena Ericksen,
"Black Widow" by Leslie Gray Streeter,
"House of Leaves" by Mark Danielewski,
"Renaissance Art" by Creighton Gilbert,
"Language" by Edward Sapir,
"The Heart of the Buddhas Teachings" by Thich Nhat Hanh
Smoothie: 2.5 Cup Oats, 2 Cup Chopped Spinach, 2 TBSN Peanut Butter, 2 TBSN Flaxseed Meal, 2 TBSN Maple Syrup, Iodized Salt, Cinnamon, Vanilla Extract
Fruits and Veggies: 2-3 Apples, 2-3 Bananas Cucumber, 2 Carrots, Bell Pepper (Rotating Y,O,R), 0.25 Cup Raisins
Nuts: 0.25 Cup Cashews, 0.25 Cup Almonds, 0.25 Cup Peanuts
Protein Blocks: Full Block Tofu Seasoned with Soy Sauce + Nooch
Carb Blocks: 2 Cup Basmati Rice, 2-3 Potatos
Movies I Watched 6/26-12/26
- Frankenhooker (1990)
- The Substance (2024)
- Us (2019)
- SpiderMan: Across The SpiderVerse (2023)
- Frankenstein (2025)
- The Bride (2026)
- The Cleaner (2007)
- Remarkably Bright Creatures (2026)
- Network (1976)
Books I Finished 6/26-12/26
- Scum Manifesto - Valerie Solanas
- bell hooks' Spiritual Vision - Nadra Nittle
- Coraline - Neil Gaiman
- Empire of Illusion - Chris Hedges
- The Other Roommate - Anna Allard
- The Basic Teachings of the Buddha - Glenn Wallis
- Best Known Works - Oscar Wilde
TV Shows I Finished or Started 6/26-12/26
- Heroes
- Severance
- Pluribus
- His & Hers
- The Gentlemen
- Delicious in Dungeon
- HunterxHunter